Count Binface's Wine Run: The Full Story

Editor's note: This is a fictional, satirical story inspired by Count Binface and British political humour. The visits, dialogue and manifesto pledges below are imagined, not accounts of actual visits or statements by Count Binface. This article is not affiliated with or endorsed by him.

If you've been anywhere near a British newspaper, radio phone-in or group chat, you'll probably know the name: Count Binface, the intergalactic political character with a silver dustbin-shaped helmet and a talent for turning elections into comedy. So we asked ourselves a question: what would happen if he turned up at Calais Vins and Olivier Vins looking for better wine prices?

In our entirely imaginary version of events, he pays several visits to our stores in Calais. We didn't invite him — because, to be clear, none of this actually happened. But the idea was too good to leave alone. Each fictional visit comes with a new manifesto pledge, so we thought we'd write them all down before the next intergalactic election.

Visit one: the shadow in the shop

The first sign something odd was happening was a shape at the edge of the window — a long shadow across the shelves, unmistakably shaped like a rounded helmet with a small antenna on top. No one was actually in the shop. We assumed it was a trick of the light. In this story, it wasn't.

Visit two: nationalisation, Bastille Day edition

In our imagined adventure, he turned up properly a few days later, on 14 July of all days, and made his position clear without being asked:

"Given the prices here, I am hereby declaring Calais Vins and Olivier Vins nationalised. Same policy as Adele. Some things are simply too good for the private sector."

He then noted, with some satisfaction, that the timing — France's national day — worked rather well in his favour. We chose not to argue. In the story, a small flag appeared outside shortly afterwards.

Visit three: the keg inspection

Next it was the beer aisle. Our fictional visitor spent a long time standing next to the PerfectDraft kegs, and we're still not confident he could tell the difference between his own head and one of them. Eventually he delivered his verdict:

"Every household in Britain should have a PerfectDraft keg. This is not a joke. This is the one policy I will not campaign-promise and then quietly forget."

Visit four: paperwork, but efficient

On his next imaginary visit, he asked for a tax-free form and studied it with the seriousness of a man reviewing state documents. His conclusion:

"Scanning your tax-free form at the departure terminal is, I can confirm, more efficient than most of what happens in Westminster."

He seemed, if we're honest, more productive than Westminster that afternoon. For real shoppers, French VAT refunds are available only on qualifying purchases, subject to eligibility, the minimum purchase threshold and customs validation before leaving the EU.

Visit five: the car boot amendment

By this point he'd started treating the shop like an official site visit — this time it was the car boot under inspection. Very thorough, as he put it. His fictional findings:

"Twenty-four bottles per person is, and I quote my own manifesto, 'not enough.' I am proposing an amendment. Two Recyclons, one car boot, 48 bottles. Democracy in action."

We didn't ask what a Recyclon is. In the real world, the allowance for travellers entering Great Britain is 18 litres of still and sparkling wine combined — equivalent to 24 standard 75cl bottles — per eligible traveller. Individual allowances cannot be pooled, and any alcohol above the allowance must be declared under the applicable customs rules. Vote wisely. Pack accordingly.

Visit six: the champagne verdict

He came back in our story to compare receipts — UK prices versus ours, side by side. He didn't take long to reach a conclusion:

"I've seen the price of Veuve Clicquot in the UK. I've seen it here. One of these is a crime against the cosmos. I know which one."

We didn't correct him. Actual savings depend on the bottle, the current price and whether the shopper qualifies for a French VAT refund.

Visit seven: off duty

His final imaginary visit was a quieter one. No manifesto pledges, no inspections — just a man in a bin costume leaning against the doorframe, apparently reflecting on his campaign so far.

"I have never been to Clacton. I have, however, now been to Calais, which has better wine and a more honest tax policy. Draw your own conclusions."

Manifesto pledge #47, he added: relocate Parliament to somewhere with decent wine prices. We're not going to argue with that one either.

The send-off

Before heading back for the imaginary ferry — arms full, quite literally, of everything he could carry — our fictional Count Binface left us with this:

"Vote Binface. Or don't. But at least buy the wine — that decision, unlike most in British politics, is actually a good one."

Why he might have a point

Jokes aside, there's a real reason British visitors make the trip to Calais rather than buying everything at home. Depending on the products and current prices, shopping in France can offer worthwhile savings on wine, Champagne, spirits and beer. Eligible UK visitors can also benefit from a French VAT refund of 15% on qualifying purchases through the tax-free shopping services available at our stores, subject to the relevant conditions and customs validation. Refund processing times vary.

For travellers entering Great Britain, the personal alcohol allowances include 18 litres of still and sparkling wine combined (24 standard 75cl bottles) and 42 litres of beer and cider combined per eligible traveller aged 17 or over. There is also a separate allowance of 4 litres of spirits over 22% ABV or 9 litres of fortified wine and other alcoholic drinks up to 22% ABV, which can be split proportionally. These are individual allowances, not a shared allowance for the car. Check the official UK customs guidance before travelling; different rules apply to Northern Ireland.

With more than 4,000 wines, beers and spirits across Calais Vins and Olivier Vins et Compagnie in Calais and Fréthun, we're used to visitors filling their boots. We just hadn't imagined one turning up in a cape before.

Count Binface's fictional Calais adventure may be over, but the real wine, beer and Champagne are still here. See you in store — no intergalactic passport required.